I wrote this last week but I had technical difficulties posting it. I just had a phone call that inspired me to dig it out and try again.
It hurts when someone I know gets pregnant - I want to be happy for them but it reminds me of what I've lost.
Sometimes I'm scared to call my friends
The ones from out of town
The ones who I haven't talked to in a while
The ones who I know are trying
The ones who might be pregnant by now
And might be ready to announce it
The ones who already have children
Who interrupt their mother's phone call
And babble in the background
It can be like a knife in the heart
And there is nothing to soothe my broken heart this night.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
It helps to know
This week I found out the cause of my last pregnancy loss. There was a chromosomal abnormality called trisomy 20. Basically, everyone has 23 pairs of chromosomes. In this case, the fertilised egg ended up with three copies of chromosome 20. According to google, trisomy 20 almost always causes miscarriage in the first trimester. It's usually caused by a problem with the egg, probably due to maternal age.
I feel a bit like everything has been turned upside down. Despite fighting to have the testing done, I never really fully believed that the hospital had actually done it. And because everyone kept telling me that the testing was often inconclusive I thought that I wouldn't get a result.
So what does this mean? It means a lot of things.
It means that no matter what I did in the last pregnancy, it was never going to work out - right from the moment of conception. And I did so much. I took time off work to go on bedrest. I took expensive and unpleasant Chinese herbs. I did acupuncture. I used six unpleasant and expensive vaginal progesterone pessaries a day. I took low dose aspirin. I avoided dairy products, wheat, sugar and raw fruit and vegetables. I tried to think calm and positive thoughts. As it turned out, all of this was futile. It was just a matter of time until the pregnancy failed.
Right after the second miscarriage I remember thinking that I just couldn't have another miscarriage and that I was going to do anything I possibly could to make sure it didn't happen again. It's kind of like there is some force in the universe that wanted to teach me that I couldn't control this, that there are some things I can't control. There is nothing I could have done to prevent this. Its a deeply unsettling realisation.
But its also a relief. I had pretty much convinced myself that the miscarriages were caused by some kind of immunological problem and that I would need to seek treatment for that in my next pregnancy - probably with considerable resistance from the medical profession given that no immunological problems were found in the investigative tests. But now I don't know. I still don't know what caused the first two miscarriages. They could have been chromosomal abnormalities as well. Or they could have been due to hormonal or immunological problems. I don't know and I will never know. What this does mean is that the progesterone and aspirin didn't fail - they never could have worked. And if I do have an underlying problem, they could work in my next pregnancy. It gives me more hope for my next pregnancy. Although of course there are no guarantees.
It makes me realise once again that one of the really painful things about miscarriage is not knowing why it happened. It really helps to know.
I feel a bit like everything has been turned upside down. Despite fighting to have the testing done, I never really fully believed that the hospital had actually done it. And because everyone kept telling me that the testing was often inconclusive I thought that I wouldn't get a result.
So what does this mean? It means a lot of things.
It means that no matter what I did in the last pregnancy, it was never going to work out - right from the moment of conception. And I did so much. I took time off work to go on bedrest. I took expensive and unpleasant Chinese herbs. I did acupuncture. I used six unpleasant and expensive vaginal progesterone pessaries a day. I took low dose aspirin. I avoided dairy products, wheat, sugar and raw fruit and vegetables. I tried to think calm and positive thoughts. As it turned out, all of this was futile. It was just a matter of time until the pregnancy failed.
Right after the second miscarriage I remember thinking that I just couldn't have another miscarriage and that I was going to do anything I possibly could to make sure it didn't happen again. It's kind of like there is some force in the universe that wanted to teach me that I couldn't control this, that there are some things I can't control. There is nothing I could have done to prevent this. Its a deeply unsettling realisation.
But its also a relief. I had pretty much convinced myself that the miscarriages were caused by some kind of immunological problem and that I would need to seek treatment for that in my next pregnancy - probably with considerable resistance from the medical profession given that no immunological problems were found in the investigative tests. But now I don't know. I still don't know what caused the first two miscarriages. They could have been chromosomal abnormalities as well. Or they could have been due to hormonal or immunological problems. I don't know and I will never know. What this does mean is that the progesterone and aspirin didn't fail - they never could have worked. And if I do have an underlying problem, they could work in my next pregnancy. It gives me more hope for my next pregnancy. Although of course there are no guarantees.
It makes me realise once again that one of the really painful things about miscarriage is not knowing why it happened. It really helps to know.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Anchor me
Over the last two years, L and I have experienced the following life events:
the death of a parent
the death of a step-parent
18 cycles of trying and failing to conceive
3 pregnancies ending in early loss
an episode of clinical depression
two work restructures
an elopement
2 car accidents
a major dispute amongst the owners of our apartment block.
Many of these things happened in our first year of being married. Before we got married, I expected that we were entering a rich new phase in our lives full of joy from having made a tangible commitment and the adventure of becoming parents. So far thats not how it has worked out. Instead we are both emotionally battered and trying to cope with a significant amount of psychic pain on a daily basis.
And I've been wondering, how do you sustain a relationship through this kind of prolonged stress and grief? How do we support each other when we are both debilitated by our own emotional pain? And while we are sticking together, I can see how major loss and grief can lead to relationship breakdowns.
the death of a parent
the death of a step-parent
18 cycles of trying and failing to conceive
3 pregnancies ending in early loss
an episode of clinical depression
two work restructures
an elopement
2 car accidents
a major dispute amongst the owners of our apartment block.
Many of these things happened in our first year of being married. Before we got married, I expected that we were entering a rich new phase in our lives full of joy from having made a tangible commitment and the adventure of becoming parents. So far thats not how it has worked out. Instead we are both emotionally battered and trying to cope with a significant amount of psychic pain on a daily basis.
And I've been wondering, how do you sustain a relationship through this kind of prolonged stress and grief? How do we support each other when we are both debilitated by our own emotional pain? And while we are sticking together, I can see how major loss and grief can lead to relationship breakdowns.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
The substance of loss
I've been reading articles about the grief that goes with miscarriage, and it is different from other kinds of bereavement in some ways. I found a list of characteristics of miscarriage grief and here are the items that really reasonated for me.
the loss of our dreams for this child and the future
For all my pregnancies I knew the due dates and I made plans. For my last two pregnancies I had planned maternity leave, baby gear, cloth nappies, breast feeding, child care ......
the loss of trust in the body we feel has betrayed us
How could my mind and my body be so at odds with each other? How could I not have known that things had gone wrong before I started to bleed or had the scan?
the loss of innocence for future pregnancies
During the second pregnancy when it looked like things were going well, we were so happy and hopeful. I don't think we will ever have that kind of joy again with future pregnancies.
the loss of the belief system we didn't even necessarily recognise we held that says "this won't happen to me"
How could I be the one person in 100 who has recurrent miscarriages? I have always been so physically healthy. If this can happen, what else could happen?
the loss of control over our expectations of life
I thought that the big part about having a child was making the decision to have it. When I first started I expected I would have a child within the year. In reality we have been trying for 20 months and have nothing to show for it.
not knowing why the miscarriage happened
I feel so compelled to search for a cause because maybe there is some way to prevent it happening again. If there is a discoverable cause and I make inadequate effort to find it, doesn't that make me somehow culpable for any future losses.
the loss of access to successful womanhood (in our own or others eyes)
This is totally irrational but I feel like a failure as a woman.
the feeling we should hide our loss and not talk about it as others think we are over-reacting
Sometimes I don't tell people because I don't trust that they would understand, sometimes when I do it feels like I'm taking a big risk.
to be unable to do what other women seem easily able to do as a 'natural part of life' and our jealousy and anger of that
there are so many pregnant women around me and women that have had children easily and give it no thought. It feels so unfair, why couldn't I have had that?
dealing with others' inappropriate comments, some with the best of intentions
I haven't had too many of these but those I have had have been painful. They tend to be along the lines of "cheer up", "try again", "it could be worse", "there must have been something wrong with the baby".
the feeling we have let our partner/others down
Once again, irrational but after the second and third miscarriage I had strong feelings that I had failed L and by my body being unable to hold the pregnancy I was culpable for the pain it caused him.
the loss of our dreams for this child and the future
For all my pregnancies I knew the due dates and I made plans. For my last two pregnancies I had planned maternity leave, baby gear, cloth nappies, breast feeding, child care ......
the loss of trust in the body we feel has betrayed us
How could my mind and my body be so at odds with each other? How could I not have known that things had gone wrong before I started to bleed or had the scan?
the loss of innocence for future pregnancies
During the second pregnancy when it looked like things were going well, we were so happy and hopeful. I don't think we will ever have that kind of joy again with future pregnancies.
the loss of the belief system we didn't even necessarily recognise we held that says "this won't happen to me"
How could I be the one person in 100 who has recurrent miscarriages? I have always been so physically healthy. If this can happen, what else could happen?
the loss of control over our expectations of life
I thought that the big part about having a child was making the decision to have it. When I first started I expected I would have a child within the year. In reality we have been trying for 20 months and have nothing to show for it.
not knowing why the miscarriage happened
I feel so compelled to search for a cause because maybe there is some way to prevent it happening again. If there is a discoverable cause and I make inadequate effort to find it, doesn't that make me somehow culpable for any future losses.
the loss of access to successful womanhood (in our own or others eyes)
This is totally irrational but I feel like a failure as a woman.
the feeling we should hide our loss and not talk about it as others think we are over-reacting
Sometimes I don't tell people because I don't trust that they would understand, sometimes when I do it feels like I'm taking a big risk.
to be unable to do what other women seem easily able to do as a 'natural part of life' and our jealousy and anger of that
there are so many pregnant women around me and women that have had children easily and give it no thought. It feels so unfair, why couldn't I have had that?
dealing with others' inappropriate comments, some with the best of intentions
I haven't had too many of these but those I have had have been painful. They tend to be along the lines of "cheer up", "try again", "it could be worse", "there must have been something wrong with the baby".
the feeling we have let our partner/others down
Once again, irrational but after the second and third miscarriage I had strong feelings that I had failed L and by my body being unable to hold the pregnancy I was culpable for the pain it caused him.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Don't reassure me
Right before I had my d&c the registrar who going to perform it came to talk to me. As you may remember from the post below she told me that the hospital lab was unlikely to do genetic testing on the pregnancy tissue. Because I must have looked upset at this and because she was not offering me what I wanted she tried to comfort me by saying "I know this is very frustrating" (talk about minimising language, try 'devastating') "but 60 to 65% of people in your situation go on to have a baby."
This pissed me off at the time, although I was familiar with these statistics, . After the registrar had left the cubicle, I turned to my mother who was with me and said "how can she think telling someone they have a 60% chance of having a baby is reassuring." It wasn't until I came across this article today, that I realised why it made me so angry. The writer, who suffered three consecutive miscarriages, says:
Yes, there may be some validity to these statistics. Yet, too often doctors seem to use them as an excuse to not help women. When this happens, the underlying message comes across as that the doctors believe that we should find comfort in these statistics and therefore not worry about the fact that we've lost a baby because in all likelihood we won't lose another one. We should not seek treatment for miscarriages because statistics suggest we won't have another one.
For starters, by being recurrent miscarriers, we've often already fallen out of statistical favor. When statistics suggested we shouldn't be in this position in the first place, statistics start to lose their power. After all, if I can be that 1 in 100 women that has three miscarriages in a row, why should I feel comfort that I'll be one of those 6 out of 10 (hardly an overwhelmingly reassuring number) that will carry to term without treatment?
But more importantly, the reason I hate these statistics so much is that they are used to justify an exceedingly cavalier attitude toward miscarriage. Doctors and researchers seem to want us to view pregnancy as a roll of the dice. And it doesn't bother them to just shrug off a failed roll and have us pick up the dice again. We are required to go through a certain number of failed rolls before we can get any help. Yes, even with if we keep rolling the dice, even if they're flawed, we might roll the right number eventually. But for me, each time I get pregnant, that is a child to me. It is not dice.
Most women cannot lose a child with the same nonchalance as we can pick up dice and roll again. Each failed roll represents a little person who will never call us Mommy. It takes great emotional strength to pick up those dice and try again. Each time involves a period of grieving and deep scarring to the heart, sometimes never to heal.
Yes, yes, yes. That is how I felt. The registrar was telling me the hospital lab didn't think it was worth doing testing, which admittedly is expensive, because the results would not change the management of the next pregnancy. In other words, because no explanation has been found for my miscarriages most clinical guidelines say I should not be offered any treatment for my next pregnancy. This is regardless of whether it was found that this latest pregnancy was not caused by a chromosomal abnormality and therefore was not just 'bad luck'. And I shouldn't mind this because its more likely than not that my next pregnancy will work out.
Given the huge emotional and spiritual impact each pregnancy loss has had on me, L and the people who care about us - the days when I could do nothing but sleep, the debilitating depression - shouldn't the medical profession be doing everything it possibly can to try and stop me from losing another pregnancy?
This pissed me off at the time, although I was familiar with these statistics, . After the registrar had left the cubicle, I turned to my mother who was with me and said "how can she think telling someone they have a 60% chance of having a baby is reassuring." It wasn't until I came across this article today, that I realised why it made me so angry. The writer, who suffered three consecutive miscarriages, says:
Yes, there may be some validity to these statistics. Yet, too often doctors seem to use them as an excuse to not help women. When this happens, the underlying message comes across as that the doctors believe that we should find comfort in these statistics and therefore not worry about the fact that we've lost a baby because in all likelihood we won't lose another one. We should not seek treatment for miscarriages because statistics suggest we won't have another one.
For starters, by being recurrent miscarriers, we've often already fallen out of statistical favor. When statistics suggested we shouldn't be in this position in the first place, statistics start to lose their power. After all, if I can be that 1 in 100 women that has three miscarriages in a row, why should I feel comfort that I'll be one of those 6 out of 10 (hardly an overwhelmingly reassuring number) that will carry to term without treatment?
But more importantly, the reason I hate these statistics so much is that they are used to justify an exceedingly cavalier attitude toward miscarriage. Doctors and researchers seem to want us to view pregnancy as a roll of the dice. And it doesn't bother them to just shrug off a failed roll and have us pick up the dice again. We are required to go through a certain number of failed rolls before we can get any help. Yes, even with if we keep rolling the dice, even if they're flawed, we might roll the right number eventually. But for me, each time I get pregnant, that is a child to me. It is not dice.
Most women cannot lose a child with the same nonchalance as we can pick up dice and roll again. Each failed roll represents a little person who will never call us Mommy. It takes great emotional strength to pick up those dice and try again. Each time involves a period of grieving and deep scarring to the heart, sometimes never to heal.
Yes, yes, yes. That is how I felt. The registrar was telling me the hospital lab didn't think it was worth doing testing, which admittedly is expensive, because the results would not change the management of the next pregnancy. In other words, because no explanation has been found for my miscarriages most clinical guidelines say I should not be offered any treatment for my next pregnancy. This is regardless of whether it was found that this latest pregnancy was not caused by a chromosomal abnormality and therefore was not just 'bad luck'. And I shouldn't mind this because its more likely than not that my next pregnancy will work out.
Given the huge emotional and spiritual impact each pregnancy loss has had on me, L and the people who care about us - the days when I could do nothing but sleep, the debilitating depression - shouldn't the medical profession be doing everything it possibly can to try and stop me from losing another pregnancy?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
How validating
After much internet searching I found there is such a thing a a miscarriage blog.
Here's one of a woman who had a child in her early 40s after four miscarriages.
Her blog has a lot of interesting information about celebrity miscarriages, who knew that Courtney Cox had several miscarriages and only had her daughter after having daily heparin injections in her last pregnancy.
Here's one of a woman who had a child in her early 40s after four miscarriages.
Her blog has a lot of interesting information about celebrity miscarriages, who knew that Courtney Cox had several miscarriages and only had her daughter after having daily heparin injections in her last pregnancy.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Hello! - ever heard of patient-centred care?
This is what happened to me when I had to navigate the medical system. This is long and kind of confusing, so I apologise in advance, but all I can say is imagine having to live it.
It started when I went for my seven week scan - the first scan I'd ever had. It was a Monday. I drank so much water I could barely walk down the street to the radiography clinic.
Radiographer put gel on my belly and ran a small paddle over it, pressing fairly gently but still compromising my overfull bladder a little. I looked up on the screen - I could see the crescent shape of my uterus with a small blurry circle inside it. I thought maybe I could even see the pulsing of the heartbeat. Radiographer measured things over and over - I started to feel nervous when he didn't say anything for so long. Then he told us he couldn't find the fetus. He offered to give me a intra-vaginal ultrasound, which would give a better view. I went the the toilet to empty my bladder and sobbed while I was in there. I had to take off my clothes and put on a sack-like garment for the internal ultrasound. Radiographer couldn't see anything with that either. The last time my hormone levels had been measured they were around 8,000. Radiographer said he would have expected to see a baby at that level. He said that the scan looked like a pregnancy at levels of 200 or 300.
We walked home in a daze. I googled and found what I had was called a "blighted ovum". Then I slept most of the day. The next day I started calling people - I wanted to know what happened next. I called locum GP (who I had been seeing for hormone monitoring), my midwife, and the nurse at my specialists office. Locum GP was the only one that called back that day. She said she had called the radiology lab and talked to Radiologist - the expert in interpreting scans. She said "This isn't bad news" - the Radiologist said it was too early to know whether or not the pregnancy was viable because it wasn't usual to see a heartbeat until the hormone levels were at 11,000. Locum GP said I should book another scan in a weeks time and have another hormone test done to see what was happening. Tendrils of hope inched their way into my heart. Maybe things would still be ok.
The next day I went back to work. My blood test showed my hormone levels had increased from 8,000 to about 19,000 over a five day period. Locum GP left a message saying that she thought it had increased too much to be a blighted ovum. That afternoon specialist nurse called me back. She was casual when she mentioned that my scan was "not reassuring" and cheerfully noted that my hormone levels were still rising.
The next day was a Thursday. Specialist finally called me. He said that because I was not using him as my lead maternity carer for my pregnancy that I was not under his care and he could not treat me. He told me having looked at the scans that he thought "it was very unlikely the pregnancy was viable". I asked him if I could come and see him after the pregnancy was over to get more recurrent miscarriage testing done. He said there was nothing more he could do for me. I was left feeling devastated. My midwife finally called back after I got home, she told me that she was friends with specialist nurse and the only reason Specialist had called me at all was because Locum GP had rung him and had strong words. Midwife minimised what Specialist had said and thought there was still a good chance the pregnancy would be ok. I was pretty doubtful at this point - I had looked up obstetric textbooks online which said it was usual to find a heartbeat when the hormone levels were at 5,000 or more.
The next day I found my hormone levels had risen from 19,000 to 21,000 over two days. I couldn't handle being at work and had to go home at lunchtime. I slept most of the weekend.
On the following Tuesday I went for my next scan. We went through the same drill as last time with the abdominal scan followed by an internal one because. Radiographer still couldn't see a fetus. So it seemed pretty clear to me that it wasn't going to work out. We went for coffee afterwards and tried to make sense of things. If the pregnancy wasn't viable I wanted to have and d&c so I could have chromosomal testing. All the books I bought after the second miscarriage said this was really important to try and work out the underlying cause. But I had found a website called misdiagnosed miscarriage - it said that lots of people were misdiagnosed with blighted ovums and ended up having d&cs when they had a viable pregnancy. It said that 30% of women had a uterus that tipped in the wrong directions (towards the spine instead of away from it) and this made it hard to see the fetus in a scan. Some people had to wait until 12 weeks or later before they could see the fetus in a scan. I was only at 8 weeks - maybe I was one of those women. And yet - it seemed so unlikely. I spent the rest of the day sleeping.
The next day Locum GP was away so I talked to my original GP and told her I wanted to organise a d&c. She said she would talk to the hospital and that I should have another hormone test. This time it had gone from 21,000 to 28,000 over six days - the smallest increase yet.
The next day was Thursday and I talked to the GP again. She told me the hospital would not give me a d&c unless my hormone levels were falling, just in case the pregnancy was still viable. WTF!
The next day was Friday before Labour weekend. I had so wanted to have the d&c done before the long weekend, so I could recover and get back to normal the next week. I got my next test results back that evening at 6pm, my levels had only risen by 50 over two days. GP had left a message, "expect to start miscarrying over the next few days. If you don't miscarry by Tuesday morning go and get another bloodtest and don't eat anything"
I didn't miscarry over the weekend. On Tuesday morning I skipped breakfast and went to get my blood test. Then I went back to work and waited for the results and what I presumed would be a chance to finally go and have the d&c. And waited...... and waited......and got hungrier.... and light headed. I finally got to talk to GP nurse at about noon - my levels had fallen from 28,000 to 25,000 and the hospital couldn't fit me in today. What I needed to do was get on with my day but the next morning I should fast and wait for the hospital to call me.
On Wednesday morning I skipped breakfast and went to work and waited for the hospital to call. And waited..... and waited.... and got hungrier.....and light headed. At noon I finally broke down and called GP nurse to ask her what was going on. GP nurse got back to me in a 20 minutes.
Seems like GP had made a bit of a mistake. The Womens Health Assessment Clinic were actually waiting for me to come in to have a consultation and then they were going to give me an appointment for a d&c. An appointment, what a revolutionary idea. I went off to the hospital and waited for an hour in a waiting room with a two heavily pregnant women. I talked to Clinic Nurse and Clinic Gyn, having to tell both of them my history and the fact I wanted a d&c to have testing done. Clinic Nurse was pretty doubtful about but Clinic Gyn assured me that it was possible. They couldn't book me in for the d&c until the following Monday morning.
On Monday, three weeks after the first scan showing an empty sac, I turned up at the hospital for the d&c. My instructions were to get there at 6.45am. After filling out forms, changing into a cotton hospital gown that tied up at the back, cottom pajama pants, a dressing gown and paper slippers, and waiting around a lot, they gave me a drug to dilate my cervix. It gave me really bad cramps and made me feel nauseous. They walked me down to the surgical ward and got me to take off the dressing gown, slippers and pajama pants and to lie on a bed under a warm flannel sheet. They made me tuck my hair under a paper hairnet. They gave me more forms to fill out.
Surgical nurse, anaesthetist and Gyn registrar all came to talk to me. I reminded Gyn registrar about the testing. She told me that the Lab usually turns down requests for this type of testing because "the result doesn't affect the management of the next pregnancy". I've read a lot of literature on this and I knew it was not necessarily the case. I tried to argue with her but its hard to do this effectively when you're lying on your back with no knickers on and you are the Patient talking to the Doctor. She left the cubicle and I started sobbing - it was definitely up there as one of the most disempowering experiences of my life. Surgical nurse came in and asked why I was crying, I tried to tell him but his English wasn't good enough for him to understand me while I was so distraught. Gyn Registrar came in and told me she had just phoned the lab and they had agreed to do the testing.
I had no time to calm down before they started wheeling my bed away down a corridor to a room where the surgery would take place. Suddenly there were about six people standing around my bed - one of them adjusting my gown for 'easy access', another sticking a pulse monitor on my finger, another inserting a drip into my arm, another placing an oxygen mask over my face. All of them ignoring the fact that I was still crying - not sobbing but a fairly constant stream of tears. The anaesthetic was horribly disorienting for about 15 seconds and then I was out.
I came to in a different room to someone I didn't know calling my name to wake me up. I felt dopy and with a sore throat but basically ok. I was discharged a couple of hours later.
So, that was my journey of three weeks, dealing with over 10 health professionals, telling my story over and over, having referrals messed up, being given conflicting information and generally having experiences that made an already very distressing situation much harder. I still don't have the test results and I don't know whether the Lab actually did the testing in the end. It was all a thoroughly disempowering experience. There was huge variability in the empathy of the health professionals. There were only two or three who I felt like actually cared about me as a person and didn't see me as just another set of symptoms.
This was the first time I had ever had such a close encounter with the medical system. I hope I don't have to again for quite some time.
It started when I went for my seven week scan - the first scan I'd ever had. It was a Monday. I drank so much water I could barely walk down the street to the radiography clinic.
Radiographer put gel on my belly and ran a small paddle over it, pressing fairly gently but still compromising my overfull bladder a little. I looked up on the screen - I could see the crescent shape of my uterus with a small blurry circle inside it. I thought maybe I could even see the pulsing of the heartbeat. Radiographer measured things over and over - I started to feel nervous when he didn't say anything for so long. Then he told us he couldn't find the fetus. He offered to give me a intra-vaginal ultrasound, which would give a better view. I went the the toilet to empty my bladder and sobbed while I was in there. I had to take off my clothes and put on a sack-like garment for the internal ultrasound. Radiographer couldn't see anything with that either. The last time my hormone levels had been measured they were around 8,000. Radiographer said he would have expected to see a baby at that level. He said that the scan looked like a pregnancy at levels of 200 or 300.
We walked home in a daze. I googled and found what I had was called a "blighted ovum". Then I slept most of the day. The next day I started calling people - I wanted to know what happened next. I called locum GP (who I had been seeing for hormone monitoring), my midwife, and the nurse at my specialists office. Locum GP was the only one that called back that day. She said she had called the radiology lab and talked to Radiologist - the expert in interpreting scans. She said "This isn't bad news" - the Radiologist said it was too early to know whether or not the pregnancy was viable because it wasn't usual to see a heartbeat until the hormone levels were at 11,000. Locum GP said I should book another scan in a weeks time and have another hormone test done to see what was happening. Tendrils of hope inched their way into my heart. Maybe things would still be ok.
The next day I went back to work. My blood test showed my hormone levels had increased from 8,000 to about 19,000 over a five day period. Locum GP left a message saying that she thought it had increased too much to be a blighted ovum. That afternoon specialist nurse called me back. She was casual when she mentioned that my scan was "not reassuring" and cheerfully noted that my hormone levels were still rising.
The next day was a Thursday. Specialist finally called me. He said that because I was not using him as my lead maternity carer for my pregnancy that I was not under his care and he could not treat me. He told me having looked at the scans that he thought "it was very unlikely the pregnancy was viable". I asked him if I could come and see him after the pregnancy was over to get more recurrent miscarriage testing done. He said there was nothing more he could do for me. I was left feeling devastated. My midwife finally called back after I got home, she told me that she was friends with specialist nurse and the only reason Specialist had called me at all was because Locum GP had rung him and had strong words. Midwife minimised what Specialist had said and thought there was still a good chance the pregnancy would be ok. I was pretty doubtful at this point - I had looked up obstetric textbooks online which said it was usual to find a heartbeat when the hormone levels were at 5,000 or more.
The next day I found my hormone levels had risen from 19,000 to 21,000 over two days. I couldn't handle being at work and had to go home at lunchtime. I slept most of the weekend.
On the following Tuesday I went for my next scan. We went through the same drill as last time with the abdominal scan followed by an internal one because. Radiographer still couldn't see a fetus. So it seemed pretty clear to me that it wasn't going to work out. We went for coffee afterwards and tried to make sense of things. If the pregnancy wasn't viable I wanted to have and d&c so I could have chromosomal testing. All the books I bought after the second miscarriage said this was really important to try and work out the underlying cause. But I had found a website called misdiagnosed miscarriage - it said that lots of people were misdiagnosed with blighted ovums and ended up having d&cs when they had a viable pregnancy. It said that 30% of women had a uterus that tipped in the wrong directions (towards the spine instead of away from it) and this made it hard to see the fetus in a scan. Some people had to wait until 12 weeks or later before they could see the fetus in a scan. I was only at 8 weeks - maybe I was one of those women. And yet - it seemed so unlikely. I spent the rest of the day sleeping.
The next day Locum GP was away so I talked to my original GP and told her I wanted to organise a d&c. She said she would talk to the hospital and that I should have another hormone test. This time it had gone from 21,000 to 28,000 over six days - the smallest increase yet.
The next day was Thursday and I talked to the GP again. She told me the hospital would not give me a d&c unless my hormone levels were falling, just in case the pregnancy was still viable. WTF!
The next day was Friday before Labour weekend. I had so wanted to have the d&c done before the long weekend, so I could recover and get back to normal the next week. I got my next test results back that evening at 6pm, my levels had only risen by 50 over two days. GP had left a message, "expect to start miscarrying over the next few days. If you don't miscarry by Tuesday morning go and get another bloodtest and don't eat anything"
I didn't miscarry over the weekend. On Tuesday morning I skipped breakfast and went to get my blood test. Then I went back to work and waited for the results and what I presumed would be a chance to finally go and have the d&c. And waited...... and waited......and got hungrier.... and light headed. I finally got to talk to GP nurse at about noon - my levels had fallen from 28,000 to 25,000 and the hospital couldn't fit me in today. What I needed to do was get on with my day but the next morning I should fast and wait for the hospital to call me.
On Wednesday morning I skipped breakfast and went to work and waited for the hospital to call. And waited..... and waited.... and got hungrier.....and light headed. At noon I finally broke down and called GP nurse to ask her what was going on. GP nurse got back to me in a 20 minutes.
Seems like GP had made a bit of a mistake. The Womens Health Assessment Clinic were actually waiting for me to come in to have a consultation and then they were going to give me an appointment for a d&c. An appointment, what a revolutionary idea. I went off to the hospital and waited for an hour in a waiting room with a two heavily pregnant women. I talked to Clinic Nurse and Clinic Gyn, having to tell both of them my history and the fact I wanted a d&c to have testing done. Clinic Nurse was pretty doubtful about but Clinic Gyn assured me that it was possible. They couldn't book me in for the d&c until the following Monday morning.
On Monday, three weeks after the first scan showing an empty sac, I turned up at the hospital for the d&c. My instructions were to get there at 6.45am. After filling out forms, changing into a cotton hospital gown that tied up at the back, cottom pajama pants, a dressing gown and paper slippers, and waiting around a lot, they gave me a drug to dilate my cervix. It gave me really bad cramps and made me feel nauseous. They walked me down to the surgical ward and got me to take off the dressing gown, slippers and pajama pants and to lie on a bed under a warm flannel sheet. They made me tuck my hair under a paper hairnet. They gave me more forms to fill out.
Surgical nurse, anaesthetist and Gyn registrar all came to talk to me. I reminded Gyn registrar about the testing. She told me that the Lab usually turns down requests for this type of testing because "the result doesn't affect the management of the next pregnancy". I've read a lot of literature on this and I knew it was not necessarily the case. I tried to argue with her but its hard to do this effectively when you're lying on your back with no knickers on and you are the Patient talking to the Doctor. She left the cubicle and I started sobbing - it was definitely up there as one of the most disempowering experiences of my life. Surgical nurse came in and asked why I was crying, I tried to tell him but his English wasn't good enough for him to understand me while I was so distraught. Gyn Registrar came in and told me she had just phoned the lab and they had agreed to do the testing.
I had no time to calm down before they started wheeling my bed away down a corridor to a room where the surgery would take place. Suddenly there were about six people standing around my bed - one of them adjusting my gown for 'easy access', another sticking a pulse monitor on my finger, another inserting a drip into my arm, another placing an oxygen mask over my face. All of them ignoring the fact that I was still crying - not sobbing but a fairly constant stream of tears. The anaesthetic was horribly disorienting for about 15 seconds and then I was out.
I came to in a different room to someone I didn't know calling my name to wake me up. I felt dopy and with a sore throat but basically ok. I was discharged a couple of hours later.
So, that was my journey of three weeks, dealing with over 10 health professionals, telling my story over and over, having referrals messed up, being given conflicting information and generally having experiences that made an already very distressing situation much harder. I still don't have the test results and I don't know whether the Lab actually did the testing in the end. It was all a thoroughly disempowering experience. There was huge variability in the empathy of the health professionals. There were only two or three who I felt like actually cared about me as a person and didn't see me as just another set of symptoms.
This was the first time I had ever had such a close encounter with the medical system. I hope I don't have to again for quite some time.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Things I have done to try and have a baby
lie with my legs against the wall for 30 minutes after having sex
take and record my temperature everyday for 18 months and graph it on computer software
become minutely familiar with my cervical mucous and cervical position
had fortnightly acupuncture sessions for over a year
had lots of blood tests to look at my hormones - progesterone, lutenising hormone, follicle stimulating hormone, prolactin
Lost 10kg
have compuslory sex the day before ovulation whether we're in the mood or not
bought and read four books on natural fertility and six books on miscarriage
had lots and lots of investigative blood tests to look for underlying reasons for recurrent miscarriage
taken elevit, high dose vitamin B6, selenium, and flax oil capsules
drunk disgusting chinese herbal remedies
gone on bedrest
used progesterone pessaries
given up wheat, dairy, refined sugar and raw fruit and vegetables
tried to keep the faith
take and record my temperature everyday for 18 months and graph it on computer software
become minutely familiar with my cervical mucous and cervical position
had fortnightly acupuncture sessions for over a year
had lots of blood tests to look at my hormones - progesterone, lutenising hormone, follicle stimulating hormone, prolactin
Lost 10kg
have compuslory sex the day before ovulation whether we're in the mood or not
bought and read four books on natural fertility and six books on miscarriage
had lots and lots of investigative blood tests to look for underlying reasons for recurrent miscarriage
taken elevit, high dose vitamin B6, selenium, and flax oil capsules
drunk disgusting chinese herbal remedies
gone on bedrest
used progesterone pessaries
given up wheat, dairy, refined sugar and raw fruit and vegetables
tried to keep the faith
Monday, October 13, 2008
For everything there is a season
I didn't intend this blog to become what it has - a record of my struggles with fertility and miscarriage punctuated by periods of withdrawl into grief and pain. And it seems my trials are not over and I don't know if I can bear to go on blogging about it.
I had an ultrasound today and there was no fetus, just a yolk sac. At 7 weeks pregnant, this is a strong indication that the pregnancy has failed.
I know there is nothing to say, all we can do is cling onto hope that eventually we will enter a new season.
I had an ultrasound today and there was no fetus, just a yolk sac. At 7 weeks pregnant, this is a strong indication that the pregnancy has failed.
I know there is nothing to say, all we can do is cling onto hope that eventually we will enter a new season.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Come join the rollercoaster ride
Monday 22/9 - hcg 50
Wednesday 24/9 - hcg 86
Thursday 25/9 - hcg 120
hcg doubling time is within normal range so far
Progesterone suppositories (2 week supply) = $90
Low dose aspirin = $12
GP appointment = $48
Acupuncture appoinment = $55
Chinese herbs (1 week supply) = $35
Counselling appointment = $110
Currently on bedrest til Wednesday.
Wednesday 24/9 - hcg 86
Thursday 25/9 - hcg 120
hcg doubling time is within normal range so far
Progesterone suppositories (2 week supply) = $90
Low dose aspirin = $12
GP appointment = $48
Acupuncture appoinment = $55
Chinese herbs (1 week supply) = $35
Counselling appointment = $110
Currently on bedrest til Wednesday.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Good together
Tonight L and I were out at the movies. About halfway through he leaned over and kissed me very tenderly three times on the cheek. And I felt all warm inside and happy and tingly and I thought, "Yeah, we're good together".
Monday, July 7, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Midwinter shadows
I feel low, like I've lost my joy. I know that this is grief and eventually I will feel better, perhaps in a few months time.
But I think I've lost something else this time too - a big chunk of my optimism. There is roughly a 20% chance of having a miscarriage in any pregnancy due to one-off problems but there is only a 1% chance of this happening for a women's first two pregnancies. After two miscarriages, the chance the next pregnancy will end in miscarriage jumps from 20% to 30%, a just under 1 in 3 chance. You might say that a 70% chance of a next pregnancy being successful is a reason for optimism and hope, I've said it to people myself. But after the first few days of my second pregnancy, I was very optimistic it would work out, and it didn't. I don't think it will be very easy to be optimistic the third time around.
After my first miscarriage, all I wanted was to be pregnant again as soon as possible. Now I'm scared to get pregnant because I'm terrified of having another miscarriage.
I will probably ovulate sometime in the next week, but we are not going to try this cycle to give ourselves a break. I feel antsy, this will be the first time in a year that we have had a cycle without trying. I am spending a lot of time researching causes and treatments for recurrent miscarriage. I have made an appointment with a specialist and I have ordered 7 (yes 7) books on miscarriage online. I am looking for a naturopath and I'm thinking about changing acupuncturists. I'm not sure that all of this is particularly healthy but I can't seem to stop thinking about it. Very little matters to me as much as this does.
While in the fertility game, anything can happen at any time, at the moment all I can see is hard times ahead. Apologies for the depressing post, I know that things will change in time but right now its hard.
But I think I've lost something else this time too - a big chunk of my optimism. There is roughly a 20% chance of having a miscarriage in any pregnancy due to one-off problems but there is only a 1% chance of this happening for a women's first two pregnancies. After two miscarriages, the chance the next pregnancy will end in miscarriage jumps from 20% to 30%, a just under 1 in 3 chance. You might say that a 70% chance of a next pregnancy being successful is a reason for optimism and hope, I've said it to people myself. But after the first few days of my second pregnancy, I was very optimistic it would work out, and it didn't. I don't think it will be very easy to be optimistic the third time around.
After my first miscarriage, all I wanted was to be pregnant again as soon as possible. Now I'm scared to get pregnant because I'm terrified of having another miscarriage.
I will probably ovulate sometime in the next week, but we are not going to try this cycle to give ourselves a break. I feel antsy, this will be the first time in a year that we have had a cycle without trying. I am spending a lot of time researching causes and treatments for recurrent miscarriage. I have made an appointment with a specialist and I have ordered 7 (yes 7) books on miscarriage online. I am looking for a naturopath and I'm thinking about changing acupuncturists. I'm not sure that all of this is particularly healthy but I can't seem to stop thinking about it. Very little matters to me as much as this does.
While in the fertility game, anything can happen at any time, at the moment all I can see is hard times ahead. Apologies for the depressing post, I know that things will change in time but right now its hard.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Hot water cylinders and sulky cats
My cat isn't talking to me and I haven't showered for three days. Thats because our hotwater cylinder died on Sunday and I took the cat to the vet yesterday to have his teeth cleaned. Now he refuses to come in the house except to eat and runs away from me when I try to pat him. He is a very temperamental cat. Plumber came today and managed to fix the cylinder even though it is pre-WWII and I have high hopes for shower tomorrow morning. And incidentally, tomorrow will probably be my first day back at work since the miscarriage.
Physically having a miscarriage like a really nasty period (at least when you're only 5 wks) but emotionally its like someone you're really besotted with breaking up with you.
In some ways the second time was easier - it was less of a shock and less of an unknown. But in some ways it was harder - I know how long it takes to recover.
In way I'm hoping I don't get pregnant again too soon because I think the next time is going to be really hard and I think I'm going to be a bit of a wreck. Still we are taking a break from ttc for the next month and I will certainly enjoy the glasses of wine and hot baths which I will be able to partake with abandon.
Physically having a miscarriage like a really nasty period (at least when you're only 5 wks) but emotionally its like someone you're really besotted with breaking up with you.
In some ways the second time was easier - it was less of a shock and less of an unknown. But in some ways it was harder - I know how long it takes to recover.
In way I'm hoping I don't get pregnant again too soon because I think the next time is going to be really hard and I think I'm going to be a bit of a wreck. Still we are taking a break from ttc for the next month and I will certainly enjoy the glasses of wine and hot baths which I will be able to partake with abandon.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Its all over, red rover
I'm afraid that this pregnancy is now officially kaput. Got back my hcg results from a blood test yesterday and I am only at 13. I should be somewhere between 600-3000 by now.
Just to update this post, I wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who has been so supportive. L and I are very sad right now but know we are going to have a baby one day.
Just to update this post, I wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who has been so supportive. L and I are very sad right now but know we are going to have a baby one day.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Threatened miscarriage
Well, here I am again. I wish I had better news to tell all of you but so far its not looking good. I started bleeding this afternoon at about 4.30 and now I'm cramping pretty badly. For those of you who I hadn't caught up, I am/was about 5 weeks pregnant.
Technically about 50% of people who have threatened miscarriage go on to have a normal pregnancy so its still a possibility. But the fact I haven't had any nausea or fatigue symptoms along with my worsening cramps really doesn't give me a lot of hope its going to work out.
I'm having a scan tomorrow, but they tell me it will be too early to tell whether the pregnancy is viable, although it will be possible to see if its clearly not.
I can't tell you how difficult this is and how unfair it feels but I guess this is the luck of the draw in the world of fertility. And my hand isn't that bad compared to many.
Technically about 50% of people who have threatened miscarriage go on to have a normal pregnancy so its still a possibility. But the fact I haven't had any nausea or fatigue symptoms along with my worsening cramps really doesn't give me a lot of hope its going to work out.
I'm having a scan tomorrow, but they tell me it will be too early to tell whether the pregnancy is viable, although it will be possible to see if its clearly not.
I can't tell you how difficult this is and how unfair it feels but I guess this is the luck of the draw in the world of fertility. And my hand isn't that bad compared to many.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I have a shameful secret
I really want to see the Sex and the City movie.
I don't know why I find this piece of pop culture so compelling - after all I don't even like shoe shopping, haven't been into cocktails since the 1980s, never been with a married man and have never been one of those people who's successful at casual sex. Plus Sarah Jessica Parker makes a really odd heroine, to say the least. And yet it the TV series somehow touched a cord with me.
I don't know, something about autonomy and self-determination and friendship and maybe something about some of the issues women face in their 30s. Maybe its the chance for the length of the movie to have an alter-ego who wears fabulous couture, has a high powered career and is one of those people who is successful at casual sex.
So I've been reading up about the movie and apparently it focuses on the fact that they have all gotten older and are now in their 40s. Somehow I think I might find that kind of validating (even though I've a while to go until 40.)
Anyway, please let me know if you want to go with me because otherwise I'm going to be one of those people in the back of the theatre wearing a raincoat (except not dodgy).
In other news, all my blood tests came back in the normal range but that wasn't really a surprise because I had them done about a year ago and same deal. Still trying to work through the logistics of filling the little plastic jar at a time that Medlab will take it. Also we are thinking of taking some time off from ttc, just because it has been so emotionally draining and kind of hard on our relationship. Will wait and see how I feel about it next month.
I don't know why I find this piece of pop culture so compelling - after all I don't even like shoe shopping, haven't been into cocktails since the 1980s, never been with a married man and have never been one of those people who's successful at casual sex. Plus Sarah Jessica Parker makes a really odd heroine, to say the least. And yet it the TV series somehow touched a cord with me.
I don't know, something about autonomy and self-determination and friendship and maybe something about some of the issues women face in their 30s. Maybe its the chance for the length of the movie to have an alter-ego who wears fabulous couture, has a high powered career and is one of those people who is successful at casual sex.
So I've been reading up about the movie and apparently it focuses on the fact that they have all gotten older and are now in their 40s. Somehow I think I might find that kind of validating (even though I've a while to go until 40.)
Anyway, please let me know if you want to go with me because otherwise I'm going to be one of those people in the back of the theatre wearing a raincoat (except not dodgy).
In other news, all my blood tests came back in the normal range but that wasn't really a surprise because I had them done about a year ago and same deal. Still trying to work through the logistics of filling the little plastic jar at a time that Medlab will take it. Also we are thinking of taking some time off from ttc, just because it has been so emotionally draining and kind of hard on our relationship. Will wait and see how I feel about it next month.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Running the high hurdles
So, guess what. It seems that MedLab was feeling a little overwhelmed because everyone was bringing in their sperm samples on a Saturday morning. So how did they deal with this? Perhaps by engaging extra staff. Oh no, they now refuse to accept them on a Sat. How client-centred is that?
Now we not only have to go through the stress of getting the sample in the little plastic jar and taking it across town to MedLab within an hour, we also have to find some way to do this on a weekday before work.
I have to say that I don't think this approach is particularly compassionate to people who are already stressed because they are experiencing fertility issues.
Grouch. grouch grouch
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Vampyric
Wanna take bets on how many test tubes of blood this is gonna take?
Yes folks, today I started the ball rolling for me and L to see a fertility specialist by visiting my GP. It seems this whole thing involves a rather large number of blood tests for me and a couple of blood tests and a little plastic jar for L.
Plan A is that I find out next week that I got pregnant this cycle. Plan B is for us to go visit the fertility doctor and likely undergo a slew of even more invasive (at least for me) tests.
Lets all cross our fingers for Plan A shall we.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Epiphany
I think I had a small epiphany last week.
I spent one day on an interview panel to recruit some new people into my team. Several of the people we interviewed appeared to have incredibly boring jobs - jobs that would make my soul shrivel away. They were eager to work in my team, they found the idea appealing.
At first I felt bad, sometimes I get so bored at work. I felt maybe I should just step aside to let these enthusiastic people do their thing. I remember something one of my friends once told me - that he was doing somebody else's dream job. And I realised that essentially I don't really believe that most of what I do makes a difference. I have the Myers Briggs personality type INFP - that means its really important to me to find meaning in my work. And therein lies the core problem. The thing is, I never get to see whether it does make a difference and I, immense cynic that I am, would have to take it on faith. Then it occurred to me that maybe, much of the time my work does not actually make a difference but it has the potential to and I have opportunity to influence whether or not it does. In small ways, its true, but I do.
This has been enough to make me feel better at work over the last few days than I have for a while.
Then this weekend I went to a dinner party with some friends from my last workplace and it made me remember how I got to where I am now in my working life. That workplace was dysfunctional and it severely knocked my confidence in my ability. At the dinner many other people discussed similar experiences. I had forgotten how significant it was. No wonder I stopped believing that I could influence or make a difference.
So now I feel a little more forgiving of myself too.
I really feel that ever since my holiday away a couple of weeks ago I have turned a corner for the better. I feel almost cheerful.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Holy jumper
Well, I've completed my first, albeit small scale, clothing reconstruction. I bought this jumper from Mary Potter Hospice Op Shop in Miramar. Its made from merino and only cost $10 but had a hole right smack in the middle of it.
Then I bought a bit of clearance quilting fabric from spotlight for $2 and some fusable interfacing for $3. And voila - a wearable garment. After I take the lint remover to it, it might even be work-friendly.
Then I bought a bit of clearance quilting fabric from spotlight for $2 and some fusable interfacing for $3. And voila - a wearable garment. After I take the lint remover to it, it might even be work-friendly.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Reconstructed / Deconstructed
The reason I haven't posted for so long is that life has been a bit unrelentingly grim and crappy and I didn't want to bum out my readers by going on about it. Nothing dramatic or tragic, just hard going. Its pretty much all summed up in this post here. And in case anyone was wondering but was too shy to ask, it has now been three cycles since the miscarriage and I'm not pregnant yet. This is not really surprising because there is only a 20% chance of conceiving each cycle (and that's assuming the egg and sperm get to meet up.) But still every time I get convinced that I'm preggo and it turns out I'm not - not a happy-making experience.
But now, I have something new and exciting to talk about - (at least I was all excited about it this morning as I did my usual 30 minute internet surf in a desperate attempt to avoid leaving for work). Anyway, I went away on holiday last week and bought this book.
And now I'm intensely interested in reconstructed clothing , that is, when you take a piece of fuggly secondhand clothing or fabric and make it into something that you like and want to wear.
The first challenge I am setting myself is to make this jersey (note highly unflattering shape)
that I bought at SaveMart, Upper Hutt about six months ago for about $5, into something I would want to wear.
I have found some really cool blogs about people who have pledged only to wear reconstructed clothing (as a way of saving money, conserving the environment, being creative and generally giving the fingers to consumer culture) like this woman. And this woman really rocks - she wore the same brown dress every day for a year (she washed it) as an anti-consumer, anti-fashion statement.
But now, I have something new and exciting to talk about - (at least I was all excited about it this morning as I did my usual 30 minute internet surf in a desperate attempt to avoid leaving for work). Anyway, I went away on holiday last week and bought this book.
The first challenge I am setting myself is to make this jersey (note highly unflattering shape)
I have found some really cool blogs about people who have pledged only to wear reconstructed clothing (as a way of saving money, conserving the environment, being creative and generally giving the fingers to consumer culture) like this woman. And this woman really rocks - she wore the same brown dress every day for a year (she washed it) as an anti-consumer, anti-fashion statement.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Giant dragonflies & llamas
Are what I saw today.
We went off in search of Cross Creek. The spot of the old town at the foot of the Rimutaka incline where the fell engines used to cross the ranges before the tunnel was built in the 1950s. There wasn't much left of it. An overgrown tennis court - broken asphalt and encroaching bush. Twined amongst the native bush there were small signs - a growth of ivy, blackberry brambles, a single old fashioned rose bush, heavy with scarlet rosehips. Pieces of old clay brick lined some of the walk ways and across the path of the former railway tracks were the occasional chips of coal - dropped from the steam engines over 50 years ago.
None of the houses remained along the site of the old main street. They had all been transported to Featherston long ago. We found the end of the train line where a giant turntable used to turn the train engines around to go back up the incline and several large trenches that were used to replace the brake blocks after every trip.
On the long walkway from the carpark to cross creek we saw a giant dragonfly, a kingfisher and a herd of four llamas.
We went off in search of Cross Creek. The spot of the old town at the foot of the Rimutaka incline where the fell engines used to cross the ranges before the tunnel was built in the 1950s. There wasn't much left of it. An overgrown tennis court - broken asphalt and encroaching bush. Twined amongst the native bush there were small signs - a growth of ivy, blackberry brambles, a single old fashioned rose bush, heavy with scarlet rosehips. Pieces of old clay brick lined some of the walk ways and across the path of the former railway tracks were the occasional chips of coal - dropped from the steam engines over 50 years ago.
None of the houses remained along the site of the old main street. They had all been transported to Featherston long ago. We found the end of the train line where a giant turntable used to turn the train engines around to go back up the incline and several large trenches that were used to replace the brake blocks after every trip.
On the long walkway from the carpark to cross creek we saw a giant dragonfly, a kingfisher and a herd of four llamas.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Over active
Everything is feeling a bit like drudgery at the moment. Work is a blur of emails, phone calls, meetings and deadlines. We are very short-staffed. I am becoming terminally snappy. Plus there is an underlying hum of stress as we wait to here about the outcome of our restructure.
Home should be a haven from such things. But at the moment mine is not. This is because I am trying to organise some major construction work on the property where I live. It is an apartment complex which means that all the owners have to agree to the details. This is a challenge. I come home to emails, papers, relationship management and generally making my poor worn-out brain think some more. Did I mention I am becoming terminally snappy?
One might think if I am so bowled over by drudgery that I might have second thoughts about reproduction. Ha, ha. Denial is not a river in Egypt.
On a final positive note - I am, inchworm step by inchworm step, decluttering the apartment. Halleluyah!
Home should be a haven from such things. But at the moment mine is not. This is because I am trying to organise some major construction work on the property where I live. It is an apartment complex which means that all the owners have to agree to the details. This is a challenge. I come home to emails, papers, relationship management and generally making my poor worn-out brain think some more. Did I mention I am becoming terminally snappy?
One might think if I am so bowled over by drudgery that I might have second thoughts about reproduction. Ha, ha. Denial is not a river in Egypt.
On a final positive note - I am, inchworm step by inchworm step, decluttering the apartment. Halleluyah!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Feeling negative
My period is due tomorrow. I took a pregnancy test today. It was negative.
I really thought that I might just get pregnant again straight away. The interweb is full of stories of such things happening. Its probably a myth but they say you are more fertile right after miscarriage. I almost felt excited this cycle.
Now I'm sad, sad, sad.
I really thought that I might just get pregnant again straight away. The interweb is full of stories of such things happening. Its probably a myth but they say you are more fertile right after miscarriage. I almost felt excited this cycle.
Now I'm sad, sad, sad.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Maybe I'm allergic
I alway remembered Diana Galbaldon's heroine who was tragically parted from her husband for 20 years (mistakenly thinking he was dead). She finds evidence that perhaps he isn't dead after all and is telling a friend about how she is thinking of trying to find him. The friend asks to see her wedding ring and she takes it off and hands it over to him whereby he finds a line from a love poem written in latin inscribed on the inside. Now the hook in this story is the heroin didn't know about the inscription because from the moment the ring went on her finger she never took it off for 20 years.
I kind of wanted to be someone who took the ring off so seldom that it would get stuck on my finger. But such is not my life.
First of all I took the ring off when I had a shower because I didn't want it to get damaged by the soapy water. And I took it off when washing dishes and cleaning. Then I took it off when chopping onions because the acid could damage it. But then my finger started to look like this.
So now I take it off every night when I go to sleep. Its hard to be a romantic in the real world.
I kind of wanted to be someone who took the ring off so seldom that it would get stuck on my finger. But such is not my life.
First of all I took the ring off when I had a shower because I didn't want it to get damaged by the soapy water. And I took it off when washing dishes and cleaning. Then I took it off when chopping onions because the acid could damage it. But then my finger started to look like this.
So now I take it off every night when I go to sleep. Its hard to be a romantic in the real world.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Dodgy old friends
I am after my old friend by the last name H----- ,and you probabaly match the description. Update me on my present findings.Its been a while and I am quite eager to catch up on lost times Can you please contact me and ascertain my findings, wishing You HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Thank Terry Morris.
Okay, so the bad grammar and the fact they didn't mention my first name should probably have tipped me off. But hey, I was sent this through the Old Friends website. I figured the person had mistaken me for someone else and I politely emailed them back to tell them so. Whoops.
Turns out Terry wanted to contact me about, My Late Client Mr.Randolf H ... an oil merchant. Seems Unky Randolf put US$10.5 million into a European finance company and then died without any immediate family surviving. Terry searched high and low to find someone with the same last as his client and finally found me. Now he wants me to make a claim to the finance company to get the dough.
I feel and know that you will be able to make this claim successfully and as a result of this I do not want the Finance Company to be aware that I contacted you first in order to prevent them from going into much investigations on whom you actually are and that can put the success of this transaction on the line.
I want you to be rest assured that this is legal with no risk involved, since all the legal documents that gives you the right to make the claim is available. This is a deal I am offering you and I want you to know that it requires only a mature mind to understand all I am saying and I believe you are mature enough which is the reason I am going further.
I'm so flattered that Terry thinks I'm mature and so reassured that he isn't going to put me at risk. Can't wait to get my share of the 10 mil.
Okay, so the bad grammar and the fact they didn't mention my first name should probably have tipped me off. But hey, I was sent this through the Old Friends website. I figured the person had mistaken me for someone else and I politely emailed them back to tell them so. Whoops.
Turns out Terry wanted to contact me about, My Late Client Mr.Randolf H ... an oil merchant. Seems Unky Randolf put US$10.5 million into a European finance company and then died without any immediate family surviving. Terry searched high and low to find someone with the same last as his client and finally found me. Now he wants me to make a claim to the finance company to get the dough.
I feel and know that you will be able to make this claim successfully and as a result of this I do not want the Finance Company to be aware that I contacted you first in order to prevent them from going into much investigations on whom you actually are and that can put the success of this transaction on the line.
I want you to be rest assured that this is legal with no risk involved, since all the legal documents that gives you the right to make the claim is available. This is a deal I am offering you and I want you to know that it requires only a mature mind to understand all I am saying and I believe you are mature enough which is the reason I am going further.
I'm so flattered that Terry thinks I'm mature and so reassured that he isn't going to put me at risk. Can't wait to get my share of the 10 mil.
Someone sent me this
Nobody Knew You
Nobody knew you
" Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn't have been very far
along."
....existed.
Nobody knew you
" It's not as though you lost an actual person."
....were real
Nobody knew you
" Well it probably wasn't a viable fetus.
It's all for the best."
....were perfect.
Nobody knew you
" You can always have another!"
....were unique.
Nobody knew you
....but us.
And we will always remember
....You.
By Jan Cosby
Nobody knew you
" Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn't have been very far
along."
....existed.
Nobody knew you
" It's not as though you lost an actual person."
....were real
Nobody knew you
" Well it probably wasn't a viable fetus.
It's all for the best."
....were perfect.
Nobody knew you
" You can always have another!"
....were unique.
Nobody knew you
....but us.
And we will always remember
....You.
By Jan Cosby
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Nine out of ten people felt better when they didn't move to Featherston
L and I have had a dream for a couple of years now. The dream of moving to Featherston. For those of you unfamiliar with the area Featherston is a small South Wairarapa town in the lee of the Rimutaka Hills. It is only about this big.
It takes one hour to commute to Wellington from Wairarapa by either car or train and the drive over the hills is very narrow, windy and steep - literally a killer drive. For many years Featherston has been something of a joke - a hick town with ferocious wind and a few infamous child murders. While the Wellington property market boomed, people in Featherston couldn't sell their houses because no one wanted to buy them. When L and I talk about our dream it is not uncommon for people to react as if we had said "We're thinking about moving to Antartica."
The thing is that Featherston is changing. Has been for a while now. Property prices have almost doubled over the last two years. Wellington yuppies priced out of the market are moving in. A boutique Lighthouse Cinema has opened there. I think there may even be a delicatessen. It has begun the process of gentrifying like its sister towns, Greytown and Martinborough.
And Featherston is pretty. It is green and semi-rural and it has a small bush-clad hill running across its southern end and a vast blue sky. It has grown on me and the more I visit the more I find to like. In Featherston there is a street called Underhill Road, a classic hobbit name. In Featherston there is a fully functioning miniature railway that children can play on. And there is a community centre with yoga classes. And you can walk everywhere and people say hello to you on the streets. And best of all you can buy houses like this for $250,000.
And our dream in essence is about downshifting. L & I dream of working less or working in jobs that are more fulfilling but don't necessarily pay as much as the work we do now. (For example, I once looked at becoming a zookeeper, which I would LOVE but the pay range is about $25K - $35k.) And I don't want to have to work full time while we have preschool age children. In fact, I would like to have the option of us living on one income if one of us falls in love with being a full-time parent. Buying a house in Featherston could mean that our mortgage drops by 30-50%.
But it would be a big change and it would be scary. We sometimes go for months feeling luke warm about the idea and then it flares up again with great intensity. We can't sell our current place yet because it needs work done to it. But we keep dreaming .....
It takes one hour to commute to Wellington from Wairarapa by either car or train and the drive over the hills is very narrow, windy and steep - literally a killer drive. For many years Featherston has been something of a joke - a hick town with ferocious wind and a few infamous child murders. While the Wellington property market boomed, people in Featherston couldn't sell their houses because no one wanted to buy them. When L and I talk about our dream it is not uncommon for people to react as if we had said "We're thinking about moving to Antartica."
The thing is that Featherston is changing. Has been for a while now. Property prices have almost doubled over the last two years. Wellington yuppies priced out of the market are moving in. A boutique Lighthouse Cinema has opened there. I think there may even be a delicatessen. It has begun the process of gentrifying like its sister towns, Greytown and Martinborough.
And Featherston is pretty. It is green and semi-rural and it has a small bush-clad hill running across its southern end and a vast blue sky. It has grown on me and the more I visit the more I find to like. In Featherston there is a street called Underhill Road, a classic hobbit name. In Featherston there is a fully functioning miniature railway that children can play on. And there is a community centre with yoga classes. And you can walk everywhere and people say hello to you on the streets. And best of all you can buy houses like this for $250,000.
And our dream in essence is about downshifting. L & I dream of working less or working in jobs that are more fulfilling but don't necessarily pay as much as the work we do now. (For example, I once looked at becoming a zookeeper, which I would LOVE but the pay range is about $25K - $35k.) And I don't want to have to work full time while we have preschool age children. In fact, I would like to have the option of us living on one income if one of us falls in love with being a full-time parent. Buying a house in Featherston could mean that our mortgage drops by 30-50%.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Pill popper
Over the last year, I have been taking these pills, going to fortnightly acupuncture, taking bellydance classes and have lost 8 kgs, all to promote conception and prepare myself for pregnancy. In the last month I have using a traditional Chinese medicine thing called moxa, that I burn over some acupuncture points in my legs every day for about ten minutes. Now the piece de resistance, I have given up caffiene and alcohol. Mary Mother of God bless me for I am a pure vessel.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Aftermath
Well, as you might imagine its been quite a difficult week. Saturday and Sunday were the hardest. On Sunday we went out to Lambton Quay to run some errands and I started freaking out because I couldn't handle being out in the world where everyone else was behaving like normal. I'm not very good at pretending to be ok when I'm not. The idea of going back to work was hard but I've found that because its been so busy it acts as a good distraction. Of course big doses of grieving and then avoiding grieving leave one rather drained at the end of the day.
I discovered that there are no real social mechanisms for acknowledging miscarriage and it often gets minimised. I've been told by people that its "a set-back" that "worse things could happen" and that I should be "glad that I can get pregnant" And believe me, I'm hugely relieved that I can get pregnant but I just lost a pregnancy that had the potential to be a child and I'm really sad right now. Of course I do have many awesome people in my life who have been lovely and I guess, due to the aforementioned lack of social mechanisms, its difficult for people to know what to say.
Anyway things are getting easier day by day and I have been indulging in some craft-therapy. I have been slowed down on the spinning front because one of the parts needed a hole drilled through it but have now made my first foray and there has also been some continuing sock action. Have a look.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
1 in 4
This has been one of the craziest and most difficult weeks I've had for a long time. I was due to get my period last Saturday but it never came. Each day I took pregnancy tests and each day they came back with lines so faint that I thought I must be imagining them. Every day I expected my period to start. Finally I went and bought some really sensitive tests (the ones I was using I bought from a site called saveontests.com - 25 tests for approx NZ$18). That one came up with a faint but distinct line. The same morning I went to the doctor and got a blood test to confirm the result. My levels of hcg (the hormone you start producing once the embryo implants) were 52. Anything over 5 is considered to indicate pregnancy but 52 is very low. However, if the number doubles in 48 hours its a sign that everything is on track. I went and got another blood test yesterday and the hcg was 110. I started looking at pregnancy books on Trademe. I looked on the internet for midwives. My estimated due date was 21 September.
This morning I started bleeding. We went to the after-hours clinic on Adelaide Rd. The doctor told us this was called 'threatened miscarriage'. When she examined my abdomen there was tenderness on one side. She was worried about ectopic pregnancy (when the embryo implants in a fallopian tube) which can be life-threatening and sent me to the hospital for a scan. The gynecological registrar said my hcg numbers were too low to see anything on a can but he took another blood test and sent us away for two hours. When we came back he told me the hcg had dropped to 80. He told me it was very likely the pregnancy was failing. Basically, barring some kind of miracle recovery, the pregnancy is over. They will keep monitoring my hcg levels until they go below 5 again.
I only knew I was pregnant for three days. I was only just starting to believe it was real. Now its hard to believe this has happened. Its all feeling a bit surreal.
There are some positives here.
We got pregnant naturally once, so its likely we will be able to again. Maybe I don't have to plan for fertility treatment after all.
It wasn't an ectopic pregnancy and so my fallopian tubes remain intact and functional.
I think its better it happened earlier, while its painful and I think it would have been more painful if this had happened at 8 or 10 weeks of pregnancy (technically I was 5 weeks pregnant - they count from the first day of your last period). Also at this point its more of an emotional than a physical trauma.
I'm going to spend the rest of the weekend at home under my duvet reading books and maybe doing a spot of knitting. Love to you all and for those of you who live nearby, hope to see you in the real world sometime soon.
This morning I started bleeding. We went to the after-hours clinic on Adelaide Rd. The doctor told us this was called 'threatened miscarriage'. When she examined my abdomen there was tenderness on one side. She was worried about ectopic pregnancy (when the embryo implants in a fallopian tube) which can be life-threatening and sent me to the hospital for a scan. The gynecological registrar said my hcg numbers were too low to see anything on a can but he took another blood test and sent us away for two hours. When we came back he told me the hcg had dropped to 80. He told me it was very likely the pregnancy was failing. Basically, barring some kind of miracle recovery, the pregnancy is over. They will keep monitoring my hcg levels until they go below 5 again.
I only knew I was pregnant for three days. I was only just starting to believe it was real. Now its hard to believe this has happened. Its all feeling a bit surreal.
There are some positives here.
We got pregnant naturally once, so its likely we will be able to again. Maybe I don't have to plan for fertility treatment after all.
It wasn't an ectopic pregnancy and so my fallopian tubes remain intact and functional.
I think its better it happened earlier, while its painful and I think it would have been more painful if this had happened at 8 or 10 weeks of pregnancy (technically I was 5 weeks pregnant - they count from the first day of your last period). Also at this point its more of an emotional than a physical trauma.
I'm going to spend the rest of the weekend at home under my duvet reading books and maybe doing a spot of knitting. Love to you all and for those of you who live nearby, hope to see you in the real world sometime soon.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
A plague of hedgehogs
Once many years ago I had a dream I was knocked over by a swarm of hedgehogs in the driveway of the house I lived in from ages 6-14. I remember there were so many hedgehogs rushing towards me that as they started climbing up my legs and onto my torso I buckled under their weight and finally toppled over. I woke up and my heart was pounding with adrenalin.
The last few days has been a bit like that. Lots of prickly hedgehogs have been running my way and I've been using all my energy just to try and brush them off me and keep on my feet. While there are still some of the little suckers milling around my ankles I must say that today has been a sanctuary of calm and serenity in comparison.
Friday, January 11, 2008
My acupuncturist put needles in my ear today
All I did was innocently ask her whether she was anything she could do to help me give up caffeine. Next thing I know she starts jabbing needles in my ear. When she'd stuck three in I asked her if it looked punk but I think she thought I said 'pink' with a really strong kiwi accent because she solemnly assured me it didn't.
I had only half-heartedly been thinking of giving up coffee but I'm kind of committed now. She sent me away with these little bead things taped to various parts of my upper ear. I'm supposed to press them once an hour and every time I feel the urge for coffee. Apparently, within a few days coffee will start tasting horrible to me. I wonder if she noticed the bad vibes I was sending out to her when she suggested that I drink a cup of ginseng and ginger tea each morning instead of an espresso because that would also have invigorating properties.
I had only half-heartedly been thinking of giving up coffee but I'm kind of committed now. She sent me away with these little bead things taped to various parts of my upper ear. I'm supposed to press them once an hour and every time I feel the urge for coffee. Apparently, within a few days coffee will start tasting horrible to me. I wonder if she noticed the bad vibes I was sending out to her when she suggested that I drink a cup of ginseng and ginger tea each morning instead of an espresso because that would also have invigorating properties.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Something's fishy
I have been feeding my neighbours' fish while they have been away on holiday. These neighbours have kept my cat alive and happy on a number of occasions when I have been out of town, including my 3 1/2 week trip to the States. The fish have to be fed every second day, which I think is probably harder to remember than daily feeding. Given the general chaos in which I usually exist, I had developed some anxiety about keeping the fish alive while they were gone.
Today, as I was letting myself into their apartment I came across my neighbour and her daughter, standing in their hallway. (Possibly they had been calling out to me as I was fumbling with the lock but I had my ipod on.) My neighbour was in her dressing gown and had what can only be described as bed hair. She explained that they had come back early and mentioned they had had a death. I was offering my solemn condolences when she explained that she was talking about one of the minnows which she had found on the floor next to the fish tank and had assumed that I had "laid him out" for viewing.
I became increasingly flustered.
I explained that I wouldn't have deliberately left a dead fish on her carpeted floor. We entered a relatively incoherent conversation about how the minnow might have jumped out of the tank or perhaps had died and was ejected from the tank by one of the goldfish. We even speculated that my cat might have snuck into the apartment and fished it out. Of course the problem was that the fish tank has a tight-fitting lid and the whole thing is really darn mysterious.
The conversation then shifted and I got to hear an exciting double annoucement i.e. that my neighbour had resolved to take up tap dancing this year while her daughter had been given a drum kit for Christmas. Did I mention our apartments share a wall?
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
When you live in Wellington its hard to believe in Las Vegas
This is the ceiling at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas. Its made from blown glass.
It was spectacular.
I only glimpsed it for a few moments, as I dashed into the foyer.
Wellington is where I live. Wellington has many good qualities but when you live in Wellington, its hard to believe Las Vegas really exists.
Maybe I exorcised something from my system by blogging about the TTC merry go round because despite my now being at a phase where I could test, I haven't yet.
But then, I think maybe I've stopped really believing that its going to happen without help.
In other news, my spinning wheel was delivered to work today : ) It arrived in a great big cardboard box with my name on it. It was like the best late Christmas present ever! I took it out of the box and displayed it next to my desk. A couple of times I indulged in some air spinning (like air guitar). It was so relaxing watching the wheel spin round and round.
I only glimpsed it for a few moments, as I dashed into the foyer.
Wellington is where I live. Wellington has many good qualities but when you live in Wellington, its hard to believe Las Vegas really exists.Maybe I exorcised something from my system by blogging about the TTC merry go round because despite my now being at a phase where I could test, I haven't yet.
But then, I think maybe I've stopped really believing that its going to happen without help.
In other news, my spinning wheel was delivered to work today : ) It arrived in a great big cardboard box with my name on it. It was like the best late Christmas present ever! I took it out of the box and displayed it next to my desk. A couple of times I indulged in some air spinning (like air guitar). It was so relaxing watching the wheel spin round and round.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Hi Ho, Hi Ho
The holiday is over and now its back to work.
Today I will drink coffee and try to be cheerful and talk about "what I did in my summer holiday."
And all the time my soul will be back here.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
'All spun out' or 'A tale of mad consumerism'
I bought a spinning wheel today on Trademe. It was half price because of 'minor visual imperfections' in the wood. I didn't think I could have a spinning wheel because I live in a very small, very cluttered apartment. But this spinning wheel is super duper compact and folds up and weighs only 5 kg.
What's that? why yes, I guess I have been talking a lot about decluttering lately.... Self-sabotage? That's a bit of a strong phrase to use. Ok I do already have enough yarn to keep me busy knitting for about three years, so what? I will so have time for a new hobby. Shut up. No you shut up... No you....
Sorry, small digression there. Isn't it pretty?
This new dive into the heady waters of consumerism was brought about by my South Island holiday this summer and my visit to the Ashford shop in Ashburton. I made a few other aquisitions at the same time.
Actually, the pink and the white yarn I bought from a shop in Geraldine called, The Alpaca Shop. I need alpaca, you see, because I am allergic to wool. The packet thing is a bead and wire crochet necklace kit.
Also, I have started knitted my first ever sock with yarn I bought in San Francisco from a shop called Imaginiknits.
It is supposed to stripe like this.
But instead the colours turned out like this.
Friday, January 4, 2008
The TTC merry go round
Here is a picture I took in mid-December in the 'grief phase' of my cycle. I think I will title it "still life - handknitted baby hat with negative pregnancy test". The grief phase is the worst part of the TTC merry go round. (For those of you naive to such things, TCC is short for 'trying to conceive').
Since March 2007 and I been taking my temperature and (apologies to the squeamish) observing my cervical mucous on a daily basis in order to determine when I ovulate. The TTC merry go round goes something like this.
Day 1-Day 4 - period
Day 4 - Day 12 - the chill out phase when I can drink lots of booze and coffee and expose myself to noxious chemicals in the knowledge that I am not pregnant.
Day 13-15 - Sex on demand to make babies. Doesn't matter how tired, stressed, not-in-the moodish either party may be, sex must be had, preferably on multiple occasions.
Day 16 - my temperature rises, indicating ovulation has taken place. This is the first day of what is known as 'the two week wait'. In a cheerful mood because conditions for a possible pregnancy have been fulfilled. Stop drinking alcohol and try to cut down on caffeine.
Day 17 - 22 - too early to take a pregnancy test so try to put the whole thing out of my mind. Underlying feeling of anticipation.
Day 23- this is the first day from which possible early pregnancy symptoms can be felt. I intensely analyse any vague feelings of nausea, fatigue or adominal twinges for all the remaining days of the cycle. I become certain that I have early pregnancy symptoms and feelings of excitement rise.
Day 25 - The beginning of the 'crazy phase'. This is the first day on which I could get a positive pregnancy test. I try to tell myself not to test because it is probably too early and I will get a negative regardless of whether I am pregnant. I break down and test and it is negative. I feel a bit teary but comfort myself that I could still be pregnant.
Day 26 - Same as day 25
Day 27 - Same as day 25 and 26
Day 28 - Same as previous four days.
Day 29 - Period starts and hysterical sobbing ensues. Alcohol consumption resumes. Each time the merry go round is repeated the grieving phase is more intense and lasts longer.
Day 1 - merry go round starts again. With my period comes a new cycle and with it new hope....
Just in case you are interested, today I am round about day 23, the beginning of the crazy phase. Wish me luck for the upcoming week.
Since March 2007 and I been taking my temperature and (apologies to the squeamish) observing my cervical mucous on a daily basis in order to determine when I ovulate. The TTC merry go round goes something like this.
Day 1-Day 4 - period
Day 4 - Day 12 - the chill out phase when I can drink lots of booze and coffee and expose myself to noxious chemicals in the knowledge that I am not pregnant.
Day 13-15 - Sex on demand to make babies. Doesn't matter how tired, stressed, not-in-the moodish either party may be, sex must be had, preferably on multiple occasions.
Day 16 - my temperature rises, indicating ovulation has taken place. This is the first day of what is known as 'the two week wait'. In a cheerful mood because conditions for a possible pregnancy have been fulfilled. Stop drinking alcohol and try to cut down on caffeine.
Day 17 - 22 - too early to take a pregnancy test so try to put the whole thing out of my mind. Underlying feeling of anticipation.
Day 23- this is the first day from which possible early pregnancy symptoms can be felt. I intensely analyse any vague feelings of nausea, fatigue or adominal twinges for all the remaining days of the cycle. I become certain that I have early pregnancy symptoms and feelings of excitement rise.
Day 25 - The beginning of the 'crazy phase'. This is the first day on which I could get a positive pregnancy test. I try to tell myself not to test because it is probably too early and I will get a negative regardless of whether I am pregnant. I break down and test and it is negative. I feel a bit teary but comfort myself that I could still be pregnant.
Day 26 - Same as day 25
Day 27 - Same as day 25 and 26
Day 28 - Same as previous four days.
Day 29 - Period starts and hysterical sobbing ensues. Alcohol consumption resumes. Each time the merry go round is repeated the grieving phase is more intense and lasts longer.
Day 1 - merry go round starts again. With my period comes a new cycle and with it new hope....
Just in case you are interested, today I am round about day 23, the beginning of the crazy phase. Wish me luck for the upcoming week.
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