I've been reading articles about the grief that goes with miscarriage, and it is different from other kinds of bereavement in some ways. I found a list of characteristics of miscarriage grief and here are the items that really reasonated for me.
the loss of our dreams for this child and the future
For all my pregnancies I knew the due dates and I made plans. For my last two pregnancies I had planned maternity leave, baby gear, cloth nappies, breast feeding, child care ......
the loss of trust in the body we feel has betrayed us
How could my mind and my body be so at odds with each other? How could I not have known that things had gone wrong before I started to bleed or had the scan?
the loss of innocence for future pregnancies
During the second pregnancy when it looked like things were going well, we were so happy and hopeful. I don't think we will ever have that kind of joy again with future pregnancies.
the loss of the belief system we didn't even necessarily recognise we held that says "this won't happen to me"
How could I be the one person in 100 who has recurrent miscarriages? I have always been so physically healthy. If this can happen, what else could happen?
the loss of control over our expectations of life
I thought that the big part about having a child was making the decision to have it. When I first started I expected I would have a child within the year. In reality we have been trying for 20 months and have nothing to show for it.
not knowing why the miscarriage happened
I feel so compelled to search for a cause because maybe there is some way to prevent it happening again. If there is a discoverable cause and I make inadequate effort to find it, doesn't that make me somehow culpable for any future losses.
the loss of access to successful womanhood (in our own or others eyes)
This is totally irrational but I feel like a failure as a woman.
the feeling we should hide our loss and not talk about it as others think we are over-reacting
Sometimes I don't tell people because I don't trust that they would understand, sometimes when I do it feels like I'm taking a big risk.
to be unable to do what other women seem easily able to do as a 'natural part of life' and our jealousy and anger of that
there are so many pregnant women around me and women that have had children easily and give it no thought. It feels so unfair, why couldn't I have had that?
dealing with others' inappropriate comments, some with the best of intentions
I haven't had too many of these but those I have had have been painful. They tend to be along the lines of "cheer up", "try again", "it could be worse", "there must have been something wrong with the baby".
the feeling we have let our partner/others down
Once again, irrational but after the second and third miscarriage I had strong feelings that I had failed L and by my body being unable to hold the pregnancy I was culpable for the pain it caused him.
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