Pill popper

These are the pills I pop every morning. (Don't worry the really big one gets dissolved in water.) How healthy am I! Sometimes I feel too full for breakfast. Apart from the iron and the happy pill all of these are supposed to make me more fertile, more hormonally balanced or less prone to birth defects.

Over the last year, I have been taking these pills, going to fortnightly acupuncture, taking bellydance classes and have lost 8 kgs, all to promote conception and prepare myself for pregnancy. In the last month I have using a traditional Chinese medicine thing called moxa, that I burn over some acupuncture points in my legs every day for about ten minutes. Now the piece de resistance, I have given up caffiene and alcohol. Mary Mother of God bless me for I am a pure vessel.

Aftermath

Well, as you might imagine its been quite a difficult week. Saturday and Sunday were the hardest. On Sunday we went out to Lambton Quay to run some errands and I started freaking out because I couldn't handle being out in the world where everyone else was behaving like normal. I'm not very good at pretending to be ok when I'm not. The idea of going back to work was hard but I've found that because its been so busy it acts as a good distraction. Of course big doses of grieving and then avoiding grieving leave one rather drained at the end of the day.

I discovered that there are no real social mechanisms for acknowledging miscarriage and it often gets minimised. I've been told by people that its "a set-back" that "worse things could happen" and that I should be "glad that I can get pregnant" And believe me, I'm hugely relieved that I can get pregnant but I just lost a pregnancy that had the potential to be a child and I'm really sad right now. Of course I do have many awesome people in my life who have been lovely and I guess, due to the aforementioned lack of social mechanisms, its difficult for people to know what to say.

Anyway things are getting easier day by day and I have been indulging in some craft-therapy. I have been slowed down on the spinning front because one of the parts needed a hole drilled through it but have now made my first foray and there has also been some continuing sock action. Have a look.

1 in 4

This has been one of the craziest and most difficult weeks I've had for a long time. I was due to get my period last Saturday but it never came. Each day I took pregnancy tests and each day they came back with lines so faint that I thought I must be imagining them. Every day I expected my period to start. Finally I went and bought some really sensitive tests (the ones I was using I bought from a site called saveontests.com - 25 tests for approx NZ$18). That one came up with a faint but distinct line. The same morning I went to the doctor and got a blood test to confirm the result. My levels of hcg (the hormone you start producing once the embryo implants) were 52. Anything over 5 is considered to indicate pregnancy but 52 is very low. However, if the number doubles in 48 hours its a sign that everything is on track. I went and got another blood test yesterday and the hcg was 110. I started looking at pregnancy books on Trademe. I looked on the internet for midwives. My estimated due date was 21 September.

This morning I started bleeding. We went to the after-hours clinic on Adelaide Rd. The doctor told us this was called 'threatened miscarriage'. When she examined my abdomen there was tenderness on one side. She was worried about ectopic pregnancy (when the embryo implants in a fallopian tube) which can be life-threatening and sent me to the hospital for a scan. The gynecological registrar said my hcg numbers were too low to see anything on a can but he took another blood test and sent us away for two hours. When we came back he told me the hcg had dropped to 80. He told me it was very likely the pregnancy was failing. Basically, barring some kind of miracle recovery, the pregnancy is over. They will keep monitoring my hcg levels until they go below 5 again.

I only knew I was pregnant for three days. I was only just starting to believe it was real. Now its hard to believe this has happened. Its all feeling a bit surreal.

There are some positives here.

We got pregnant naturally once, so its likely we will be able to again. Maybe I don't have to plan for fertility treatment after all.

It wasn't an ectopic pregnancy and so my fallopian tubes remain intact and functional.

I think its better it happened earlier, while its painful and I think it would have been more painful if this had happened at 8 or 10 weeks of pregnancy (technically I was 5 weeks pregnant - they count from the first day of your last period). Also at this point its more of an emotional than a physical trauma.

I'm going to spend the rest of the weekend at home under my duvet reading books and maybe doing a spot of knitting. Love to you all and for those of you who live nearby, hope to see you in the real world sometime soon.

A plague of hedgehogs

Once many years ago I had a dream I was knocked over by a swarm of hedgehogs in the driveway of the house I lived in from ages 6-14. I remember there were so many hedgehogs rushing towards me that as they started climbing up my legs and onto my torso I buckled under their weight and finally toppled over. I woke up and my heart was pounding with adrenalin.

The last few days has been a bit like that. Lots of prickly hedgehogs have been running my way and I've been using all my energy just to try and brush them off me and keep on my feet. While there are still some of the little suckers milling around my ankles I must say that today has been a sanctuary of calm and serenity in comparison.

My acupuncturist put needles in my ear today

All I did was innocently ask her whether she was anything she could do to help me give up caffeine. Next thing I know she starts jabbing needles in my ear. When she'd stuck three in I asked her if it looked punk but I think she thought I said 'pink' with a really strong kiwi accent because she solemnly assured me it didn't.

I had only half-heartedly been thinking of giving up coffee but I'm kind of committed now. She sent me away with these little bead things taped to various parts of my upper ear. I'm supposed to press them once an hour and every time I feel the urge for coffee. Apparently, within a few days coffee will start tasting horrible to me. I wonder if she noticed the bad vibes I was sending out to her when she suggested that I drink a cup of ginseng and ginger tea each morning instead of an espresso because that would also have invigorating properties.

Something's fishy

I have been feeding my neighbours' fish while they have been away on holiday. These neighbours have kept my cat alive and happy on a number of occasions when I have been out of town, including my 3 1/2 week trip to the States. The fish have to be fed every second day, which I think is probably harder to remember than daily feeding. Given the general chaos in which I usually exist, I had developed some anxiety about keeping the fish alive while they were gone.

Today, as I was letting myself into their apartment I came across my neighbour and her daughter, standing in their hallway. (Possibly they had been calling out to me as I was fumbling with the lock but I had my ipod on.) My neighbour was in her dressing gown and had what can only be described as bed hair. She explained that they had come back early and mentioned they had had a death. I was offering my solemn condolences when she explained that she was talking about one of the minnows which she had found on the floor next to the fish tank and had assumed that I had "laid him out" for viewing.

I became increasingly flustered.

I explained that I wouldn't have deliberately left a dead fish on her carpeted floor. We entered a relatively incoherent conversation about how the minnow might have jumped out of the tank or perhaps had died and was ejected from the tank by one of the goldfish. We even speculated that my cat might have snuck into the apartment and fished it out. Of course the problem was that the fish tank has a tight-fitting lid and the whole thing is really darn mysterious.

The conversation then shifted and I got to hear an exciting double annoucement i.e. that my neighbour had resolved to take up tap dancing this year while her daughter had been given a drum kit for Christmas. Did I mention our apartments share a wall?

When you live in Wellington its hard to believe in Las Vegas

This is the ceiling at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas. Its made from blown glass.

It was spectacular.

I only glimpsed it for a few moments, as I dashed into the foyer.

Wellington is where I live. Wellington has many good qualities but when you live in Wellington, its hard to believe Las Vegas really exists.

Maybe I exorcised something from my system by blogging about the TTC merry go round because despite my now being at a phase where I could test, I haven't yet.




But then, I think maybe I've stopped really believing that its going to happen without help.

In other news, my spinning wheel was delivered to work today : ) It arrived in a great big cardboard box with my name on it. It was like the best late Christmas present ever! I took it out of the box and displayed it next to my desk. A couple of times I indulged in some air spinning (like air guitar). It was so relaxing watching the wheel spin round and round.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho

The holiday is over and now its back to work.

Today I will drink coffee and try to be cheerful and talk about "what I did in my summer holiday."

And all the time my soul will be back here.

'All spun out' or 'A tale of mad consumerism'

I bought a spinning wheel today on Trademe. It was half price because of 'minor visual imperfections' in the wood. I didn't think I could have a spinning wheel because I live in a very small, very cluttered apartment. But this spinning wheel is super duper compact and folds up and weighs only 5 kg.

What's that? why yes, I guess I have been talking a lot about decluttering lately.... Self-sabotage? That's a bit of a strong phrase to use. Ok I do already have enough yarn to keep me busy knitting for about three years, so what? I will so have time for a new hobby. Shut up. No you shut up... No you....

Sorry, small digression there. Isn't it pretty?

This new dive into the heady waters of consumerism was brought about by my South Island holiday this summer and my visit to the Ashford shop in Ashburton. I made a few other aquisitions at the same time.

Actually, the pink and the white yarn I bought from a shop in Geraldine called, The Alpaca Shop. I need alpaca, you see, because I am allergic to wool. The packet thing is a bead and wire crochet necklace kit.

Also, I have started knitted my first ever sock with yarn I bought in San Francisco from a shop called Imaginiknits.



It is supposed to stripe like this.















But instead the colours turned out like this.

The TTC merry go round

Here is a picture I took in mid-December in the 'grief phase' of my cycle. I think I will title it "still life - handknitted baby hat with negative pregnancy test". The grief phase is the worst part of the TTC merry go round. (For those of you naive to such things, TCC is short for 'trying to conceive').

Since March 2007 and I been taking my temperature and (apologies to the squeamish) observing my cervical mucous on a daily basis in order to determine when I ovulate. The TTC merry go round goes something like this.

Day 1-Day 4 - period

Day 4 - Day 12 - the chill out phase when I can drink lots of booze and coffee and expose myself to noxious chemicals in the knowledge that I am not pregnant.

Day 13-15 - Sex on demand to make babies. Doesn't matter how tired, stressed, not-in-the moodish either party may be, sex must be had, preferably on multiple occasions.

Day 16 - my temperature rises, indicating ovulation has taken place. This is the first day of what is known as 'the two week wait'. In a cheerful mood because conditions for a possible pregnancy have been fulfilled. Stop drinking alcohol and try to cut down on caffeine.

Day 17 - 22 - too early to take a pregnancy test so try to put the whole thing out of my mind. Underlying feeling of anticipation.

Day 23- this is the first day from which possible early pregnancy symptoms can be felt. I intensely analyse any vague feelings of nausea, fatigue or adominal twinges for all the remaining days of the cycle. I become certain that I have early pregnancy symptoms and feelings of excitement rise.

Day 25 - The beginning of the 'crazy phase'. This is the first day on which I could get a positive pregnancy test. I try to tell myself not to test because it is probably too early and I will get a negative regardless of whether I am pregnant. I break down and test and it is negative. I feel a bit teary but comfort myself that I could still be pregnant.

Day 26 - Same as day 25

Day 27 - Same as day 25 and 26

Day 28 - Same as previous four days.

Day 29 - Period starts and hysterical sobbing ensues. Alcohol consumption resumes. Each time the merry go round is repeated the grieving phase is more intense and lasts longer.

Day 1 - merry go round starts again. With my period comes a new cycle and with it new hope....

Just in case you are interested, today I am round about day 23, the beginning of the crazy phase. Wish me luck for the upcoming week.