Midwinter shadows

I feel low, like I've lost my joy. I know that this is grief and eventually I will feel better, perhaps in a few months time.

But I think I've lost something else this time too - a big chunk of my optimism. There is roughly a 20% chance of having a miscarriage in any pregnancy due to one-off problems but there is only a 1% chance of this happening for a women's first two pregnancies. After two miscarriages, the chance the next pregnancy will end in miscarriage jumps from 20% to 30%, a just under 1 in 3 chance. You might say that a 70% chance of a next pregnancy being successful is a reason for optimism and hope, I've said it to people myself. But after the first few days of my second pregnancy, I was very optimistic it would work out, and it didn't. I don't think it will be very easy to be optimistic the third time around.

After my first miscarriage, all I wanted was to be pregnant again as soon as possible. Now I'm scared to get pregnant because I'm terrified of having another miscarriage.

I will probably ovulate sometime in the next week, but we are not going to try this cycle to give ourselves a break. I feel antsy, this will be the first time in a year that we have had a cycle without trying. I am spending a lot of time researching causes and treatments for recurrent miscarriage. I have made an appointment with a specialist and I have ordered 7 (yes 7) books on miscarriage online. I am looking for a naturopath and I'm thinking about changing acupuncturists. I'm not sure that all of this is particularly healthy but I can't seem to stop thinking about it. Very little matters to me as much as this does.

While in the fertility game, anything can happen at any time, at the moment all I can see is hard times ahead. Apologies for the depressing post, I know that things will change in time but right now its hard.