Epiphany

I think I had a small epiphany last week.

I spent one day on an interview panel to recruit some new people into my team. Several of the people we interviewed appeared to have incredibly boring jobs - jobs that would make my soul shrivel away. They were eager to work in my team, they found the idea appealing.

At first I felt bad, sometimes I get so bored at work. I felt maybe I should just step aside to let these enthusiastic people do their thing. I remember something one of my friends once told me - that he was doing somebody else's dream job. And I realised that essentially I don't really believe that most of what I do makes a difference. I have the Myers Briggs personality type INFP - that means its really important to me to find meaning in my work. And therein lies the core problem. The thing is, I never get to see whether it does make a difference and I, immense cynic that I am, would have to take it on faith. Then it occurred to me that maybe, much of the time my work does not actually make a difference but it has the potential to and I have opportunity to influence whether or not it does. In small ways, its true, but I do.

This has been enough to make me feel better at work over the last few days than I have for a while.

Then this weekend I went to a dinner party with some friends from my last workplace and it made me remember how I got to where I am now in my working life. That workplace was dysfunctional and it severely knocked my confidence in my ability. At the dinner many other people discussed similar experiences. I had forgotten how significant it was. No wonder I stopped believing that I could influence or make a difference.

So now I feel a little more forgiving of myself too.

I really feel that ever since my holiday away a couple of weeks ago I have turned a corner for the better. I feel almost cheerful.