Friday, May 8, 2009

I can't even say how I feel right now

Its come to the point that when we get a positive pregnancy test instead of being excited we cry. This morning L and I hugged and I cried when I thought about how difficult the last pregnancy was. But I don't think I need to worry about this pregnancy playing out in the same way as that one, I think this one's going to be over pretty quickly.

This time around I got caught out in that classic way, when I started bleeding on Saturday I thought it was my period. It was a pretty convincing imitation - but it dragged on longer than my period does and after tapering off the bleeding started intensifying again. So this morning I took a home test and it was positive and then I went and got a blood test and the hcg level is only 20 (it really should be around 100). And then I read up (again) about bleeding during early pregnancy and found a lot of people saying that the kind of bleeding I was having was indicating a miscarriage.

So I've found out about the pregnancy and the miscarriage on the same day. And my head is kind of spinning. What are the odds of four miscarriages in a row any way? The next medical professional who tells me that I have an excellent chance of my next pregnancy being successful is gonna get slapped in the face!

And I'm more and more becoming 'that' woman - the horribly unlucky one, the one that other people pity, the one that people can't deal with because all they can thing is "god, I hope that never happens to me", the one that miscarries over and over again and no one can tell her why. I am becoming the 'barren woman'.

So far I have learned patience, I have learned endurance, I have learned a kind of surrender. But, apparently I still have more to learn in this miscarriage milarky.

2 comments:

strong light said...

Oh shit. This just makes me overwhelmingly sad and I can barely see the screen through my stoopid tears. I'm soo sorry that you're experiencing this. AARGH.

Kitsunegirl said...

I'm just cartharting - didnt mean to make anyone else cry. (hug)