Tick tock, turn the screw, raise the stakes

So the same day that I saw the beautiful ob/gyn in his private practice I also fronted up to Wellington Hospital for a publicly funded consultation. (The public ob/gyn got pissed off when I told him I'd had the two appointments in one day, I guess because he thought I was wasting precious public resources - but if they hadn't double booked me and left me waiting for an hour in mid-Feb then I would have felt confident enough about this public appointment would go ahead that I would have cancelled the private one - after all I had to wait three months for both of them).

The hospital started the ball rolling with a 3D ultrasound scan which involved the use of a large vaginal probe with the appearance of a joke sex toy. I love the way they know how to put you at ease.

Anyway it seems that me and scans have bad karma because it turns out there is something amiss in my uterus. A very small something - the ob/gyn described it as the size of the end of a ball point pen (you know the little sticky up bit) - only a few millimetres in diameter. In this area, there was no uterine lining growing. It seems the most likely scenario is that this is scarring from my d & c. I knew that scarring was a risk - however no one told me that there is research that indicates when you are having a d & c for a missed miscarriage as I did that there is a 30 % chance of scarring. At the time I was so focused on having the chromosomal testing done that I was prepared to take what I thought was a small risk. Was this the right decision? Is this another betrayal of me by my body unfolding in its unseen depths?

On the other hand this could be a 'something else', from my internet reading most likely a fibroid or polyp, and this something else could have been the cause of at least some of my miscarriages.

So the next step is to put a teeny tiny camera through my cervix to look at my uterus from the inside to see what it is and then to possibly operate. The waiting list for this procedure is six months, although people keep making vague statements about how they think I'll probably get it done sooner than that.

I feel like I'm whooshing down the slipperly slope of medical intervention at full speed. Every procdure that involves dilation of the cervix can weaken it ultimately making it to weak to hold together during pregnancy. Every entry into my uterus risks perforation, infection and further scarring. Surgery to remove adhesions, polyps and fibroids if done improperly can damage the uterus to the point that conception becomes difficult or impossible.

And then theres the issue of whether we should continue trying to conceive while we are waiting for the 'something' in my uterus to be photographically diagnosed. Public ob/gyn said it was fine as long as there was no possibility of me being pregnant at the time they stick the camera in. But there are vague online statements about pregnancies in compromised uteruses leading to miscarriage in the second trimester, prematurity and post-birth hemoragghing. Yay.

It seems that without any conscious volition on my part we are on the track to keep trying despite the ambiguous status of my uterus. I can't bring myself to stop again.