Things I have done to try and have a baby

lie with my legs against the wall for 30 minutes after having sex
take and record my temperature everyday for 18 months and graph it on computer software
become minutely familiar with my cervical mucous and cervical position
had fortnightly acupuncture sessions for over a year
had lots of blood tests to look at my hormones - progesterone, lutenising hormone, follicle stimulating hormone, prolactin
Lost 10kg
have compuslory sex the day before ovulation whether we're in the mood or not
bought and read four books on natural fertility and six books on miscarriage
had lots and lots of investigative blood tests to look for underlying reasons for recurrent miscarriage
taken elevit, high dose vitamin B6, selenium, and flax oil capsules
drunk disgusting chinese herbal remedies
gone on bedrest
used progesterone pessaries
given up wheat, dairy, refined sugar and raw fruit and vegetables
tried to keep the faith

For everything there is a season

I didn't intend this blog to become what it has - a record of my struggles with fertility and miscarriage punctuated by periods of withdrawl into grief and pain. And it seems my trials are not over and I don't know if I can bear to go on blogging about it.

I had an ultrasound today and there was no fetus, just a yolk sac. At 7 weeks pregnant, this is a strong indication that the pregnancy has failed.

I know there is nothing to say, all we can do is cling onto hope that eventually we will enter a new season.

Come join the rollercoaster ride

Monday 22/9 - hcg 50
Wednesday 24/9 - hcg 86
Thursday 25/9 - hcg 120

hcg doubling time is within normal range so far

Progesterone suppositories (2 week supply) = $90
Low dose aspirin = $12
GP appointment = $48
Acupuncture appoinment = $55
Chinese herbs (1 week supply) = $35
Counselling appointment = $110

Currently on bedrest til Wednesday.

Good together

Tonight L and I were out at the movies. About halfway through he leaned over and kissed me very tenderly three times on the cheek. And I felt all warm inside and happy and tingly and I thought, "Yeah, we're good together".

Just in case

you were worrying, I had a much better day today.

Midwinter shadows

I feel low, like I've lost my joy. I know that this is grief and eventually I will feel better, perhaps in a few months time.

But I think I've lost something else this time too - a big chunk of my optimism. There is roughly a 20% chance of having a miscarriage in any pregnancy due to one-off problems but there is only a 1% chance of this happening for a women's first two pregnancies. After two miscarriages, the chance the next pregnancy will end in miscarriage jumps from 20% to 30%, a just under 1 in 3 chance. You might say that a 70% chance of a next pregnancy being successful is a reason for optimism and hope, I've said it to people myself. But after the first few days of my second pregnancy, I was very optimistic it would work out, and it didn't. I don't think it will be very easy to be optimistic the third time around.

After my first miscarriage, all I wanted was to be pregnant again as soon as possible. Now I'm scared to get pregnant because I'm terrified of having another miscarriage.

I will probably ovulate sometime in the next week, but we are not going to try this cycle to give ourselves a break. I feel antsy, this will be the first time in a year that we have had a cycle without trying. I am spending a lot of time researching causes and treatments for recurrent miscarriage. I have made an appointment with a specialist and I have ordered 7 (yes 7) books on miscarriage online. I am looking for a naturopath and I'm thinking about changing acupuncturists. I'm not sure that all of this is particularly healthy but I can't seem to stop thinking about it. Very little matters to me as much as this does.

While in the fertility game, anything can happen at any time, at the moment all I can see is hard times ahead. Apologies for the depressing post, I know that things will change in time but right now its hard.

Hot water cylinders and sulky cats

My cat isn't talking to me and I haven't showered for three days. Thats because our hotwater cylinder died on Sunday and I took the cat to the vet yesterday to have his teeth cleaned. Now he refuses to come in the house except to eat and runs away from me when I try to pat him. He is a very temperamental cat. Plumber came today and managed to fix the cylinder even though it is pre-WWII and I have high hopes for shower tomorrow morning. And incidentally, tomorrow will probably be my first day back at work since the miscarriage.

Physically having a miscarriage like a really nasty period (at least when you're only 5 wks) but emotionally its like someone you're really besotted with breaking up with you.

In some ways the second time was easier - it was less of a shock and less of an unknown. But in some ways it was harder - I know how long it takes to recover.

In way I'm hoping I don't get pregnant again too soon because I think the next time is going to be really hard and I think I'm going to be a bit of a wreck. Still we are taking a break from ttc for the next month and I will certainly enjoy the glasses of wine and hot baths which I will be able to partake with abandon.